


There Ain't No Sanity Clause

by DarkRomance



Category: Punk Rock RPF, The Damned
Genre: Broken Bones, Car Accidents, Christmas, Fist Fights, Gen, Regret, Snow, Taunting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-04
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:34:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27867722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkRomance/pseuds/DarkRomance
Summary: Dave, Captain, and Rat are in a van being shuttled to the airport. Their US tour has just come to an end and they are about to go back to England to see their loved ones. Captain starts humming Christmas carols, and then moves to making his own while Rat, in the back is fuming. His wife cheated on him with Billy Idol and he is going to have to kick her out of his flat if she hasn't already gone. He is not in the mood for Captain's shenanigans on a good day, much less today.Eventually a fist fight break out, and Dave tells them to stop, just as the van slips on ice, leaving them in a ravine.
Relationships: Captain Sensible - Relationship, Dave Vanian - Relationship, Rat Scabies - Relationship





	1. Chapter 1

It had been a long year of touring the US and they were finally returning to London. So much equipment had gotten smashed up that they had to pay for and a few venues swore they would not be allowing them back. The notoriety had only made them more popular, but it meant less in their bank accounts 

Christmas was around the corner, and everyone was happy to see their wives and girlfriends, that is, all but Rat. He'd found out that his wife was cheating on him with Billy Idol of all people, and he was fuming in the back of the van. 

Dave was dozing up front, content with all of the world while Captain wall humming Christmas tunes, occasionally changing the words to rude phrases. Often, he would laugh, but there was hardly a time when he was down. 

As they travelled on to the airport, Captain was getting louder, which annoyed Rat. The more it annoyed Rat, the more Captain did it. This was their permanent relationship. 

"Oi, Sensible, shut it!" Rat finally shouted, crossing his arms and giving him the Kubrick stare. "Stop what you pillock, I'm just humming carols, gettin' ready for my girl." He sounded so innocent, but he knew what he was doing. "I said fuckin' quit! You know about my situation, I ain't seein' my girl 'cept to kick her outta my flat, If she ain't moved out." Rat informed Sensible. 

"Er, yeah, didn't uh, Billy Idol take care of her while you were gone?" Sensible chuckled. "That was awful nice of him." Sensible grinned wide, while Rat turned as red as his hair. Without saying anything, he lept up from where he was sitting and gave Sensible a quick punch in the jaw. Rubbing it he glared back at Rat, who was back in his seat. 

Dave had opened his eyes and looked at them both. "You look like a couple of feral animals, for fuck's sake, it's almost Christmas." Dave reminded them. "Fuck Christmas, I could care less about Christmas." Rat ranted. "He's just sour grapes cos of his old lady, Christmas is the best! Naked on stage with me guitar and Santa hat, what could be better than that?" asked Sensible.

"Well, uh, not doing that." Suggested Rat. "You wouldn't do it cos your dick is smaller, or maybe it's larger. I don't care cos no one's gonna see you behind those drums, Ginger." Rat just rolled his eyes.

Sensible got up and got a beer and began drinking. "Sure will be nice to go home and drink a proper beer, this stuff is watered down piss." Sensible complained. "You could always try whiskey or wine." Dave suggested. "I may just if we come back here." 

Sensible went back to his Christmas carols and came up with the idea, "There ain't no sanity clause" and tried out different verses. "Shut up, don't wand to say it again, and I swear if you start singing on the plane I will murder you." Rat didn't sound like he was kidding, but knowing Sensible, that wouldn't matter. Sensible just laughed and taunted Rat, while Dave remained with his eyes closed, refusing to get involved. 

"Rat, you could always get a hooker to keep you warm on Christmas Day, unless they get the day off as well." Sensible laughed. "Then you'd only have your hand as your companion." Laughing absurdly, Rat grabbed old food wrappers and balled them up and began throwing them at Sensible. He just laughed and ducked, then threw them back, hitting Rat. This did not help things. 

Rat got up again, this time grabbing Sensible's beer and dumping it on him, and it was his turn to laugh. "Fuck!" Sensible yelled, as he ran back to get Rat. Dave opened an eye and closed it. He was still not about to get involved. 

A fist fight broke out between the two men, the van still moving. Dave shouted they were gonna have an accident if they didn't sit down and he was tired of them acting like children. He turned and looked at them both with an icy stare, and they stopped. "That's enough." Dave made clear. 

Just then the van skidded on the ice and they went into a ravine. Only the driver had been seat belted in. In what state was the vehicle and even more importantly, the three band members?


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The driver, Bob, being the only one wearing a seatbelt, finds himself to be sore, and unlatches himself to check on the others who are in the back. The van is on it's side in the snow, and the windows that met the ground broken out. Dave seems all right but both Rat and Sensible are knocked out. When Bob and Dave wake them up the grim reality of their circumstances befalls them.

The van had ended up on it's right side and the snow had kept them from hitting harder than they would otherwise as well as protecting the van from the sharp rocks underneath. Unfortunately, they fell from a distance, and were travelling faster than they should have been to save time. The driver had not anticipated a fistfight in the back of the van, either.

Blinking his eyes, the driver could feel that he was going to be bruised and maybe whiplashed, but he had no real acute pains indicating something was broken. He eased himself out of his seatbelt and then crawled back to check on the members of The Damned. 

Both Rat and Sensible were knocked out and sprawled over the side and windows which had broken out, and Dave was panicking, looking at his watch. Cans of beer had spilled out everywhere, but none had exploded. He looked up at the driver and whispered, "Our flight is gone, how will they find us?" while raising an eyebrow. Dave then looked over at Sensible and Rat and realized this is the most quiet that either had been for quite some time. Still, they could not stay like that. It was up to Dave and the driver to wake them up gently to assess anything that might be wrong with either one. 

With a groan, Dave crawled over to his bandmates and gently patted Sensible's cheeks and then Rat's while calling their names. Both men moaned as they moved their bodies slowly. "Don't" Dave shouted abruptly. Both Rat and Sensible opened their eyes, and realized something was very wrong. Dave, did we have a plane crash? Sensible asked. "No, van accident, can you guess why?" Sensible thought, and then Rat blurted it out. "Cos we were fucking about having a fight?"

"Yeah, that would be it." Dave answered. "Actually, we slid on ice, but you guys fighting surely didn't help." Sensible began rubbing his arms, only wearing a t-shirt and jeans that were torn up. They would have ended up cold anyway, but having the windows broken certainly didn't help. "Sensible, Rat, try to slowly sit up to see if you have any damage. Any acute pains." Dave knew he would be bruised, and he did black out for a moment, but didn't think he had any real injuries. 

As the two others sat up slowly, Sensible let out a cry and put a hand over his ribs. "Sounds like you cracked or broke a rib." Sensible was in too much pain to make a smart remark, his red beret that he always wore also missing and only seeming to make things worse. Rat didn't seem to have anything wrong with him except for bruising, and felt a bit bad for Sensible. 

Dave took off his frock coat and placed it over his bandmate, who protested. "We can't have you going into shock, you're the only guitarist we have." Sensible nodded. Rat was getting cold, too, but he was not about to complain. 

"How are we going to get out of this?" Dave asked the driver. "Let me crawl back to the front and see if the radio still works." The driver replied. He turned and moved to get to the front, while the three bandmates hoped it would work, their teeth now chattering.

"It's dead." The driver muttered, punching his seat in frustration. He looked back at his passengers, two of whom he could not help feel some contempt for, and one who had the patience of a saint. He crawled back over, his own teeth chattering. "A-alrigght g-gotta sta-ay w-warm." Dave nodded, no longer having his coat on. "The s-suitcases, w-we need to f-find them." Nobody wanted to go out in the snow, but they needed to layer as much clothing as possible until someone found them. 

Dave gestured at the driver and pointed at Rat. "Rat, you look after Sensible, Bob, you come with me." Bob the driver and Dave crawled on sore knees to the very back to try to get the door open so they could finally stand up and search for their luggage. Bothe Bob and Dave put their hands on the door and pushed hard. It seemed jammed so they pushed even harder. "Fuckin' bastard!" Dave shouted to relieve tension, when all of a sudden, the door opened and both fell face first into a pile of snow. 

lifting their faces they spat what had gotten in their mouths, and wiped their faces. Slowly, Dave stood up, his legs wobbly. Bob stood up next with a moan. Dave looked over and asked. "You all right?" Bob nodded. "Just me back, it's not used to bein like that." Dave put a hand on his shoulder and smiled. "We will get though this, Bob. We will because our band is the fuckin' Damned, and sticky situations seem to be our specialty. Somehow we always make it out alive."

Looking around, Dave searched for their luggage, assuming it had fallen off the rack. "Bob, did you put our luggage on top of the van?" He nodded, affirming that he had. "Well, either it's buried or we lost it on the tumble down." It was only now that Dave mentioned it that he looked in the direction of the road. They were lower than it, but not by much, possibly everyone but Sensible could take a turn trying to flag down a car, even though, to his dismay he had yet to hear one passerby. Bob had walked over to the roof and saw that all of the band's luggage was still there, and smiled.

"Dave, I packed the luggage well, it's still lashed to the roof." Walking over to Bob slowly, he was surprised to see that it was indeed. "Guess I will have to tip you later for that." He chuckled. "We need to get these bags inside and layer our bodies with clothes, if there is any food, we share." Dave made clear. Bob nodded. 

Working their way around the roof, and the branches that stuck out, Dave pulled out a knife and cut the bungee cords that were securing the suitcases and equipment. He stood back and let it fall straight into the snow with thumps and clangs. Bob asked which bags he should take and Dave pointed, grabbing a few himself. "Alright, lets get these, and ourselves back through the exist of the van. 

With great pushing and moaning they got what they needed inside and then got in and shut the door behind. Rat had an arm around Sensible, which he quickly removed, eyes opening. Dave had seen, but said nothing. Instead he asked Rat to help him open the bags so they could pull out clothes to get warm. Sensible just moaned, his rib aching something. awful.

"Hey, anyone got any Aspirin or anything?" Dave asked. "For hangovers, yes I do, and when we find them he can have some." Dave gave Rat a small smile, wishing they could have treated each other like this earlier.

"Sensible, you can just wash them down with beer, they are just laying everywhere." Sensible gave a weak smile, and lay his head back. Dave grabbed Rat's suitcase and unzipped it, a horrible smell emanating. "Dear God, Rat, did you just decide not to do laundry this whole trip?" Rat shrugged. "We never stopped nowhere to do laundry." Rat pointed out. "The various hotels had laundry service. Foldin' an pressing free of charge." This explained why Dave always looked so dapper no matter what. "Right, well..." Dave zipped the suitcase and set it aside.

Grabbing Sensible's, he opened his. Inside were his nurses costume, tutu, dresses, a clown nose, cheezy wotzits, a few magazines of questionable content and a few striped jumpers and plaid trousers. "I feel like I just opened a circus, but I suppose this is normal for you. Also, at least all of this stuff is clean, except those magazines." With a bundle of clothes under his arms he gave Rat a jumper, and lay one over Sensible along wit some trousers. "Those magazines are important, please make sure no one nicks em." Dave assured him. 

Next was Dave's own suitcase with his neatly folded garments, ties, cufflinks, and hair oil. He and Bob could keep warm with those things as Bob was just a driver and had no suitcase. "I didn't find any Aspirin, Rat, but the stench was too bad to really look." Rat rolled his eyes and crawled over to his suitcase, unzipped it, and grabbed his Aspirin. He gave it to Dave while Rat, feeling slightly embarrassed zipped his suitcase up.

Sensible moaned, he was in pain, and still cold, essentially all four dwelling in a cracker box until they were found. Dave reached around and found a beer and opened it. He took a sip and then asked Bob and Rat to help lift him a bit. Sensible winced, but was able to get the Aspirin down with the beer, and then finish the beer up.

Looking around, Dave noticed the shadows were growing long, and soon night would be upon them. They had butane lighters, but that was it, it was going to be a long cold night.


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All four men are huddled together underneath all the clothes from the suitcases, even Rat's stinky clothes. Captain Sensible is continuously drinking beer and taking Aspirin for his ailing rib, and Rat's complaining about being hungry. It's a sorry state, will they make it through the night?

Having emptied all the suitcases, even Rat's, all four men are huddled together with all the clothing over their bodies so they now have a makeshift blanket to trap their body heat. Every now and then, Sensible would be fed Aspirin and beer. It was all they had, and they just hoped they could make it to day break to try to flag another car down. 

"Well, we've been a band for quite some time, but I never thought I'd be this close to you blokes." Dave remarked, trying to keep the mood light. Rat ignored Dave and simply stated, "I'm fuckin' hungry and could got for a steak right about now." with a grumble. "Talking about it is only going to make things worse." Piped up Bob. Everyone could hear each other's stomachs growling. "I'm worried Dave is gonna wait till we's asleep and drink our blood." Joked, Sensible. He had been more quiet that ever in all the time that Dave and Rat had known him, and they were worried. 

Sensible moved his hand around until he heard Dave let out a yelp. "Captain, may I ask what you are lookin for?" He asked. "Er, I'm lookin for another beer, why, what have I got?" Sensible said, gently squeezing. "Criminy that's my cock, Captain, not a can of lager!" After learning that, he removed his hand quickly and apologized. "Sorry, I thought..." He then realized if Dave was that size in the cold, than his wife must consider herself a very lucky woman. Rat, on the other side of Sensible, just snickered. "Oh you think that's funny, well, just imagine if I thought there was a beer near you." Rat would have moved away, but he didn't want to be any more cold than he already was. 

Bob had somehow managed to to fall asleep, and was now snoring like a bear. He was a larger man, so the band wondered if perhaps he was warmer. "Oh, that's just what we need." Dave complained. "Not like we's gonna get any real sleep anyway." Rat replied. Sensible was doing his best to suck down another beer. Rat eased himself out from under the makeshift blanket and stick his dick out of a broken window to have a piss. With his shivering he managed to get it on himself, groaning and cursing as he did. Dave chuckled, until he too realized he also had to go. With a grumble, he got out and did the same now that Rat was finished, and managed not to piss on himself.

Getting back under the blanket, both Dave and Rat noticed something. "Captain, why is this blanket warm all of a sudden?" Dave asked. "Yeah, did you piss the bed or what?" Dave's eyes grew wide. What was warm now, would be freezing cold later. "Well, you see it's like this, both of you were up and havin a piss, which made me have to, specially since having all this beer. I can't get up, so I just went." Dave knew it was inevitable in the back of his head, but that didn't stop him from letting out a defeated sounding sigh. Generally, he was the optimist, but that was getting more and more difficult. 

"All right, let's huddle together and try not to think about our situation and that we are laying in piss laden clothes." All three moved close, and closed their eyes, hoping somehow they would fall asleep and that dawn would come quickly.


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just when things are as bleak as can be, the band and Bob are rescued!

All nodded off from exhaustion and the beginnings of hypothermia. Their bodies shivering, which only made their aches and bruising that much worse. As they lay huddled up, Dave began to have vivid nightmares. It was a replay of what had happened only very much more surreal. Worse, it was all in Technicolor.

The nightmare was so intense, Dave began calling out, waking the others. A bright light was being shown in their faces and there were voices all around, leading everyone else to believe that they were sharing a nightmare, as well. Soon enough though, blue and red lights were flashing. This just might have been the first time that Rat, Captain, and Dave were glad to see the police. Dave, now wide awake, asked, "How did you find us?" One of the rescuers told him that it was their cell phones, and also their frantic wives back home worried when you did not come off the plane.

All members of the band knew they would be thanking them for a long time, and also get chewed out if Rat and Captain's antics in the van ever got out. "Bob, we are sorry about all of this." Dave told the driver. "Just glad we are safe, and won't I have the best story to tell everyone?" Rat and Captain frowned. "Yes, won't you just."


End file.
